Birth Parents Blog

Adoption Q&A

Posted by Lifetime Adoption on March 18, 2013

Dear Mardie,

I am struggling. My daughter and her boyfriend gave a baby up for adoption about 18 months ago. I begged her to let me have the baby. I told her our whole family would help. I cried, I screamed, I cursed, and I’m sure I said a lot of things I didn’t mean. Long story short, she wouldn’t let me come to the hospital or ever see her little boy who is now being raised by strangers. My relationship with my daughter has never fully recovered and we can talk, but not about anything serious.

Around his birthday, I brought the adoption up to her, asking her if she still hurt as much as I did about the missing piece of our family. She got so mad at me and told me to “get over it!” She said that the pregnancy was a mistake and that she did the best she could and why can’t I understand it. That was 6 months ago and we haven’t talked since.

How do I get over this?

Ruth Ann M.

Dear Ruth Ann,

You can’t just “get over it.” But you can accept that this was your daughter’s decision and she made it in a responsible manner. She put the best interest of her child above her own – that is something that is to be praised. I know it hurts you, but you had your choice with your own pregnancies and children, this was her choice.

The relationship you need to fix now is with your daughter. Even though you may never understand her decision and the pain it may have caused her, you can still love her. None of us like to be constantly beaten with decisions of the past that others don’t agree with. It is time to let it go.

If you don’t have the words, try these: “I want you to know that I admire the courage it took for you to make the decision to place your little boy for adoption. And the fact that you put his needs above your own makes me love you even more.” Apologize to her, and mean it.

If she has ongoing contact, perhaps she will share some of the photos or information with you. If not, be assured you can still pray for the little boy. He is, and will always be your grandson. And while you may never hold him in your arms, you can keep him in prayer.

One more thing…Consider volunteering with youngsters at church or in a school, extra hands are always needed. And think of the blessings you are giving these little ones as a way of giving to that little boy somewhere out there.

God bless you!

Topics: Adoption, Adoption Questions, teen pregnancy