If you have tried to adopt before and something went wrong, remember that it was not an indication that something was wrong with you, with the birth mother or with your adoption professional. Adoption is a complex process fraught with emotion. Sometimes circumstances spin out of control.
Learn what you can from your experience and keep looking for the child who is uniquely yours. If you stop your search because of a setback, you may miss out forever on the joy and love of your child. The bottom line is: Never give up.
I have had a few birth mothers who, during the pregnancy or after the birth, have decided not to place a child. But the prospective parents did not give up and it didn't take long for me to match them with another birth mother.
At my urging they tried not to project their fears of what happened before onto the next adoption. But some couldn't help themselves. If they didn't hear from the birth mother after a week or so, they’d say, "Oh no, she’s changed her mind. “
In a few cases it became a self-fulfilling prophecy. One adoptive mother; Barbara, was so afraid that her birth mother Christie would disappear that she moved her into an apartment near her house and came to check on her at least once a day.
Christie e-mailed me."This chick is too weird, she said."I’m outta here.
If you have had a bad experience which you haven't resolved, you should discuss this with your adoption professional until you realize that this particular case of failed adoption is isolated and you can move on to the next one with confidence.
In Barbara’s case, I was able to explain that after screening and counseling her new birth mother; we were certain from years of experience that any risk of a reclaim was minimal. Barbara’s fears diminished, she relaxed and the adoption was successful.